Subtle notes

60 thoughts
last posted March 16, 2019, 3:11 p.m.

54 earlier thoughts

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The survival responses, freeze and fight, are becoming increasingly accessible and near the surface. A little bit of light from above, and there is the arching back, the held breath. It is centering and growing and awakening especially between my shoulder blades or indeed around my heart. It is moving now, I can identify with the protection, it can flow. This way, it asserts more prominence but less dominance. It no longer begins and ends with a headache and a burning face, a sense of being stuck. No, the movement leads to more movement and a deepening, broadening, colorful world of sensation. This is a welcome progress beyond the dead-end feeling.

On the other hand, now there is a no-end feeling or at least thought. That I might be lost in this new world and that it might even be dangerous became clear yesterday morning when indulging the searching light through the tortuous paths of my spine and back muscles, and enjoying the exquisite, delicious feeling of restored connection, like a pleasant tickle or an itch receiving an unfailingly satisfying continuous scratch. Yet my heart kept retreating, withdrawing into a smaller center, evading the pursuit of this light as if it were a knife trying to pierce it. That’s when I heard the sound. At first I thought it was a rushing wind outside my window, but then I realized it was my physical heart wheezing, the loudest murmur I had ever heard, clearly perceived under the present conditions (arched back, cocked head, silent room).

So... this morning I’m placing a premium on peace over tumult, even if it’s less interesting. The fact is, I need guidance, help from above. It also seems key not to let my mind wander, which introduces an element of randomness and chaos, perhaps even a “foothold for the devil.” As a prayer and affirmation of protection and guidance, I am occupying my mind with the Jesus prayer and with singing from Psalm 32:

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.

Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you.

Many are the woes of the wicked, but the Lord’s unfailing love surrounds the one who trusts in him.

May the awakening of this heart be on Wisdom’s schedule, not my own.

5 later thoughts