This morning I let the young, needy, grasping, clinging part do its thing, clasping tightly around my spine and contorting my body accordingly. But a reframe occurred. "Fear" never felt exactly right, though it made sense as an emotional description if the contraction is a reaction/resistance to an influx of energy. That is what it often feels like: a firehose blasting down on me and me tightening up in reaction, preventing the flow inward. In order to relax and allow, I would then have to shift from one movement to another: from contraction to relaxation, from fear to openness.
But this morning, it became one movement. Yes, there was contraction followed by relaxation, over and over again, but this time, I didn't have to consciously make a shift from one activity to another, as if I had to convince one part of me to do something different (let alone override what it wanted). Instead, the contraction and relaxation became two repeating phases of one movement.
What was the movement? Feeding. Almost like breastfeeding (if the teat were extremely dynamic and elusive).
Feeding on the energy, taking it into myself, included in one fell swoop both attunement and allowing. Latching on and opening my throat, over and over again. No conflict. Just rapid reconnection and integration, as far as I wanted to go.
Keeping the third eye connected to the base of my spine where the will to feed seemed to originate was the only other conscious thought/practice I needed to sustain this movement.
The energy mostly seemed to come from above, but sometimes it felt like from both above and below, or it was hard to tell what the direction was. Either way, my spine felt engaged through it all, maintaining that sometimes contorted but unbroken connection between my third eye and the base of my spine. This felt so nourishing, to all different parts of my back.
Fear might not have been the emotion. "Yearning" better describes it for me now. An immediately fulfilled yearning!
I'm relating this to the heartful consuming of the feminine that I've been exploring (in line with devotional dominance). The sexual arousal that came late in the practice felt less like "being done to" and more like "doing to" and even "devouring."