Subtle notes

61 thoughts
last posted Oct. 26, 2019, 4:03 p.m.

19 earlier thoughts


I am more motivated than ever to inhabit the physical. The condensing of energy into the confines of my skin is like crawling underground with no room to move or breathe. It is heavy and suffocating. But last night I discovered something. The ground itself can move! Before, it was all I could do just to find a tiny pinprick of a passage through which to breathe in a very belabored way. Now I no longer have to fight for air; it is as if the very substance of the dirt, the rock walls of the cave, are waking up, moving, for the first time in ages. My body is so heavy! But I am no longer pinned under it; it can actually move itself!

Incarnation is so peculiarly delightful! Last night, as the cave walls began to move, I laughed and laughed. But I didn't get lost in the laughter or drift out of my body. I stayed with the condensing/compressing (not contracting) movement. It is as if the mud has become sediment but the sediment can still move, as heavy and dense as it is. I alternated between laughter and the belabored breathing. But now the breathing was accomplished by the body itself. I willed the heavy walls of my lungs to move and expand, and the whole heavy structure of this body began to loosen up without expanding. The dense material can reconfigure itself, reshape itself, shift itself into another form. It doesn't need space. It doesn't need to blow apart and come back together. It doesn't need to escape from under the heavy weight. It is the heavy weight, and it can move!

Staying with the movement of condensation is like focusing a microscope. The vision would blur, and the contours of my vital body, or at least awareness of my vital body, would pass in and out of the contours of my skin. It's like trying to avoid double vision, aligning the image of each eye with each other so that one well-defined picture is made. I float in and out otherwise. Condensation is a calming movement. It is a settling down. It is a slowing down. The vibration is much lower. But it seems that it's actually possible to live here.

Physical awareness is exhilarating. I can feel the dense energy of matter more acutely than ever. I can feel the insides of my skull, my sinuses crackling, shifting. I can become matter and move of my own accord. When I become matter, I no longer have to fight it and make it bend to my will. It is like a costume that merges into me. It is an animation, and I get to be the animator. It is a world of unexplored possibilities. I foresee a profound, contagious healing journey.

41 later thoughts