For starters, although I am fairly confident in my assessment of PHP, because I have heard no thoughtful counter-arguments, and Eevee's article (as well as the dozens, or maybe even hundreds, of others like it) is rather comprehensive and damning, it's important to note that my understanding does not rise to the level of a scientific theory of PHP's crappiness. I cannot prove that PHP is crappy, I can just argue that it is. I cannot predict, with any degree of success, the failure of a business or a project or a research endeavor based on PHP, because there are a number of variables in play and isolating the influence that the choice of PHP would have is, with current methodologies, basically impossible.
And, critically, as far as I'm aware, neither can you. (Although, if you can, please send me the proof, that would be absolutely fascinating.)