Subtle notes

61 thoughts
last posted Oct. 26, 2019, 4:03 p.m.

51 earlier thoughts


At the boundaries of waking consciousness, the descending force seems to have greater access to hidden parts (e.g. deep in my belly or far back in my spine). Thus when I am just waking up (especially on a Saturday), it seems to have more of a persistent, opportunistic agenda.

I am now confident that pressure in my face and head (apparent resistance there) is actually due to resistance from a deeper part that is not used to being felt. I am now more often able to become that part, provisionally shifting from identification with the force to identification with the part being acted upon. The relief comes through breathing, but only if that part is doing the breathing. The more secure and complete the connection, the more effective the relief. In the best case, it is relief from something I never knew ailed me, because it is a part that I don’t remember ever knowing.

The experience is one of initial fear, as if someone is trying to insert a knife into its chest. I tense up, hold my breath, hide my eyes, try to drift away. But a gentle presence, persistence, and patience can rather rapidly open me up to the point of relaxing the channel just enough for some air to come through, which means that, on a new threshold, it almost always starts with an audible whimper, moan, groan, or even howl. But I can soon fully relax, and the air can move freely and silently—unless the agenda is so opportunistic (as it was this morning) that it keeps trying for deeper and deeper parts, making for a prolonged series of vocal effects. The trick, as always, is to not get caught up in the effects (even as I try to mitigate them by putting a pillow over my face). If my mind wanders, I can find myself creating and getting lost in lots of noise (energetic, not just audible), the connections are partial at best, and the outcome might be nothing more than a stirring up of confusion and unresolved energies. But if a critical mass of presence keeps me calm, new thresholds of relaxation and connection can be stabilized.

That is one thing I more consciously observed this morning: the parts don’t just want relief. They don’t just want to connect to the light so they can relax. They also want to relax so they can connect to the light. Not just provisionally and temporarily, but permanently: a greater number of parts coming online, working in concert in service to the light. A higher-bandwidth connection, a broadband cable of an increasing number of functional fibers. It makes me want to learn more about the physiology of the spinal cord, because the subjective experience (albeit expanded out to a wider space) aligns with what I’ve heard about its structure.

9 later thoughts